A history of me, way to short in the middle and. . .

Not all of you know I'm just known as Gillian to family etc. Friends and ok relatives call me Jellybean. I wasn't originally a Durbanite, I was a rrreal pretorriaaaanerr you know? I grew up poor, but I was happy. I was young innocent and maybe a bit weird. I met awesome people with my dad when he worked at the then PTA Tech. Great memories. I grew up as your typical nerd, I lived in the library in gr.3, I had friends way to old, 1 to crude and 1 way to weird.

Having things like computers and cells in the house, I was more technologically advanced than my peers and today still 'new' technology is not hard to learn at all. I had my first phone by age 8 as well.

Growing up in primary school was tough and I had one bro then. He's still my lil bro. My parents are divorced, I was 6, it was hard and made a huge impact.

Highschool was another ordeal. By then I'd moved to KZN 2 years prior. I was the weird kid but everyone accepted me like that. Seeing that I went to Gelofte :P. I know, I know. But being in this group was fantastic (and most of those people I know from there will go far - Respect). I was your typical loner with friends. And per usual I ran the library even with a librarian present.

One thing I wasn't the same poor kid anymore. Life changed, I moved in with my aunt and uncle, I became a normal middle middle class kid. My dad moved into a flat not far but my mother still lives in Centurion.

8th grade was funny, I had my own hall announcer, he found out about a guy I liked and if Martin was ignored by be he'd chime out 'Skinny-lover'. My long term insomnia got the worst of me that year as well.

Ok, this part is not easy, still hate it. But my life coach (ugh, he flirted etc with me and it became uncomfortable for me). I was a morbid, suicidal, depressed and selfish girl back then. This could easily come back, including the cutting. But 1 addiction has to be replaced by another. That's why I don't smoke and rarely drink.

By now I got extra family. A step-mom that I love like a real mother and 3 extra brothers! One has CP and is very young in mental age.

We moved to the bush and I didn't dig it. But I'm glad I got to do it. I was suppose to finish matric last year (2009) but my parents decided to do home schooling which means and extra year for me. It was a bad choice. Isolation is not my things.

I do feel old for my age. I like the last years of my life to be vague. I lead a boring life but they were boring & very hard years. I might be 'smart', I'm just young & don't always have your life experiences. Like, I've never dated, don't expect to.

Now I live on my music, art & books [writing stuff as well]. I may not just go out but I'm content. I have what I off. It might be frustrating, but life sometimes gives you the bigger picture.

Just like now. No one understands like me how to be thankful. I won't know if anyone has ever felt how it feels to 'lose' a talent. How not to be bake to draw anymore and how it just seems to drown you. You feel worthless & all purpose is lost. Picking up a pen/pencil/brush brings me to tears. I want to break down walls and wish it's not happening. It'l like you're slowly being tortured. So I'll get lost in the music and words. I'll fake a small part of myself. Keep my secrets and move on.