Friday, May 21, 2010

And now, on a personal note.

I have been hovering over the 'new post' page for approximately for an hour. Afraid of what people might think. So please don't judge me over this.

You might have met a few 'me's' in your lifetime. The person who smiles, talks quite a lot, loud, is a good listener and sometimes not understandable. Depending on who you are you'll get glimpses into 'me's' life that's a bit deeper than other times.
Not all cutters are 'me's', we're all different.

Just like a recovering alcoholic, cutters are the same, always recovering. It's our brand of heroin, our high.

I started 6 years ago. I started with a razor blade. I was at a difficult stage in my life. Always the different kid, the chick who tried to fit in but always failed. Back then I was just a stupid young teenager.
It was easy back then, I only had my cutting fix every 2 or 3 weeks. After a few months I was cutting weekly. And after a year 4 times a week.

After that a lot of pressure was put on me in my family life. Cutting became daily and the craving for more got me so badly that I used to sit in class and silently do it. This time with a scalpel - just the blade. Some days deeper than others. Just to see it bleed. I wasn't trying to commit suicide, even if I was suicidal. But my age group was ignorant, my teachers fooled and my parents and guardians had the wool pulled over their eyes. Of course they started sensing something and sent me to a psychologist. My parents blamed it on mxit - it was the in thing way back then - and I thought it was a huge joke. How little did they know and how little I opened up to that guy, he just gave me headaches. I wanted to stop but not through the psychologist. I went to the school's councelor. I stopped for about 2 months but in 8 months time I was cutting 3 or 4 times on a weekly bases. But something changed, I had to fight it back. So by the time I moved away from Hillcrest to another province I slipped up a few times but it was always there.

2 years on I've slipped up maybe 8 or 10 times, maybe more. I slipped up last December for a whole 3 weeks and so far that has been the last time. But each and every day is a challenge. Sometimes my mind wonder and images pop up. Fighting off the urge is easier said than done. It's hard, it's cruel and some of you will never know.

How life treated me is just the way it did. Can't change it. I was stupid, I was hurt, I was lonely and blah blah blah. But no one really noticed, no one saw what was there. It's hard to be there for cutters. I had to be there for someone else, I hope it helped them. I used to have someone to talk to when the urge became an itch, but then the - I'm a burden - feeling kicked in.

I'm a recovering cutter who has stopped for the last 5 month, fighting of my personal demons. This is one thing I'll regret for the rest of my life.


  1. Congrats on an honest post. I admire you. Good luck with your recovery.

  2. thanks for the honest insight into something i know nothing about.

    it is sad that the worse it gets, the lonelier one gets, the more one needs it.

    i hope that sharing, and talking about it, will be a great step on your road to recovery.

    good luck!