And now, on a personal note.

I have been hovering over the 'new post' page for approximately for an hour. Afraid of what people might think. So please don't judge me over this.

You might have met a few 'me's' in your lifetime. The person who smiles, talks quite a lot, loud, is a good listener and sometimes not understandable. Depending on who you are you'll get glimpses into 'me's' life that's a bit deeper than other times.
Not all cutters are 'me's', we're all different.

Just like a recovering alcoholic, cutters are the same, always recovering. It's our brand of heroin, our high.

I started 6 years ago. I started with a razor blade. I was at a difficult stage in my life. Always the different kid, the chick who tried to fit in but always failed. Back then I was just a stupid young teenager.
It was easy back then, I only had my cutting fix every 2 or 3 weeks. After a few months I was cutting weekly. And after a year 4 times a week.

After that a lot of pressure was put on me in my family life. Cutting became daily and the craving for more got me so badly that I used to sit in class and silently do it. This time with a scalpel - just the blade. Some days deeper than others. Just to see it bleed. I wasn't trying to commit suicide, even if I was suicidal. But my age group was ignorant, my teachers fooled and my parents and guardians had the wool pulled over their eyes. Of course they started sensing something and sent me to a psychologist. My parents blamed it on mxit - it was the in thing way back then - and I thought it was a huge joke. How little did they know and how little I opened up to that guy, he just gave me headaches. I wanted to stop but not through the psychologist. I went to the school's councelor. I stopped for about 2 months but in 8 months time I was cutting 3 or 4 times on a weekly bases. But something changed, I had to fight it back. So by the time I moved away from Hillcrest to another province I slipped up a few times but it was always there.

2 years on I've slipped up maybe 8 or 10 times, maybe more. I slipped up last December for a whole 3 weeks and so far that has been the last time. But each and every day is a challenge. Sometimes my mind wonder and images pop up. Fighting off the urge is easier said than done. It's hard, it's cruel and some of you will never know.

How life treated me is just the way it did. Can't change it. I was stupid, I was hurt, I was lonely and blah blah blah. But no one really noticed, no one saw what was there. It's hard to be there for cutters. I had to be there for someone else, I hope it helped them. I used to have someone to talk to when the urge became an itch, but then the - I'm a burden - feeling kicked in.

I'm a recovering cutter who has stopped for the last 5 month, fighting of my personal demons. This is one thing I'll regret for the rest of my life.

Who said big gestures doesn't count? The small ones make them perfect!

Have you ever noticed that ever since you're on twitter if you're discussing something in real life and you've been talking about it on twitter, you'll start a sentence to non-twitter friend : This person I follow on twitter @___ . . ..

Over the past few months since I've joined I've 'met' interesting people and recruited 2. And very uncommonly all the names start with an @.

I remember my first few tweets was with @rudi_cronje and @LiamLynchPhoto. Rudi had a Kelloggs moment that morning and we had an interesting discussion. I still have no idea what Liam meant with ' Flakey - flakey ;) '. How little did I know that this was a few step away from becoming a twitter addict.

Now Tecla, others might just know her as @texxonfire. She's another story. I might have bothered her way to much. But we're getting along fine. . . She's a piece of work. Highly opinionated, she parties way more than I do and has an awesome blog. For people who hasn't met in real life we understand each other pretty good. Yes, Tecla, even when you laugh at your own tweet that makes absolutly no sense. She's in love with the song What Do Ya Want From Me - Adam Lambert, or is she rather in love with Lambert :P

There are people that I started following way to late. People like @elismaroets, @musicalmover, @alambchop & @TheFilmo.
She has a real bek on her, she doesn't own a #swearjar and she even called me a whore because I told her a tiny bit of #THEblog :P. @elismaroets is just one of those people that I should've followed earlier. She has a nicer side to her and people skills aren't lacking.
We understand each other on the level of chocolate, which will make an excellent currency in our world. @musicalmover and I also understand each other somehow on music. And she understand the slightly obsession for Jax Panik's music, plus I seriously have way to much to say to him. I also have a huge respect for her & her blog :).

Some of you might not understand that I am young (18, no joke). I think @alambchop was in shock :P, she's my #twittermom and a wise woman. Calling me an old soul. She's remarkable!
Our local and way rad, Rad man @TheFilmo makes me laugh. He balances out my twitter. Having much to say and having a rad t-shirt collection, there's not much to say, except maybe meeting him.

Twitter broke racial barriers @Mpum_mpum & @MvelaseP & all the rest are proof of this. @Mpum_mpum and I have more in common family wise. She is an intelligent who writes good fanfic - where is the rest? - She scaled down on her tweeting but I still get a laugh or some serious twitter talk. The same goes for @MvelaseP, but he hasn't scaled down he can tweet. And is part of insomniacs united and our AI group.

I have had my fair share of meeting weirdos but @spillly takes the freaken plate with the fork, serving thingy, a small slave & the cake. With a cherry on top but I still enjoy his tweets.

Oh @Hoerboer has been waiting for his small paragraph so here it is. He's one of the few that says hi makes me laugh. I'm sorry to say but the Stormers won't win :P. Tecla won't make me live down - aah they'll make a cute couple, thing -

Two ladies that amaze me is @lizetheunicorn and @wordsoflizdom. Both got me addicted to LookBook. I could work with @wordsoflizdom's craziness and with @lizetheunicorns perfectionism.

I might have skipped a few people. But hey blogs can't really tell what's going on. I just hope you guys didn't get excited about absolutely nothing. But enjoy :)

lil' obsessions

This is the last attempt of a few attempts to write this. All because I feel too stupid after I wrote it.

I have a little obsession with music videos. Yes, music videos. I watch them not only because I love them, also because they visually usually yummy. Then you get those ugly, please-I-don’t-want-to-watch videos, you torture yourself by keep on watching them even though you know that you shouldn’t. My prime example is Die Antwoord, I know I shouldn’t because I seriously don’t like them, something outrageous has to happen before I even will consider liking them (team Jack all the way!!).

Another music video, which I can’t stand watching, is the Countdown to the Red Carpet. My eyes hurt, I do get a headache and nauseas.

Now all those delicious videos out there, with the right music (bad music just makes it ok with mute on :P), I will be jumping up and down smiling from ear to ear. Like OK GO’s - This too shall pass. I love the vibe of both the song and the video. I think I drove friends mad with Ashtray Electric’s - When Sex becomes a Sport, mK used to feed my addiction in December, so while I was house-sitting with a friend early mornings at around one they used to play the song and quite a few times more. Great music videos have come out of SA over the last few years.

My 2c worth about the Jack Parow video. I expected a tad bit more. It was good, I like the tune, and it really wants to get you dancing. Only best part was those cats, “Jack Parow hang met giftige katte”, and viola there’s the cats.

I am a bit obsessed, not stalker worthy though, with music. Seeing that this post was all about me. The last paragraph will go to no one nor anything. Enjoy the rest of Monday.

Remember the heart and brain is separated by the mouth.

Those thoughts will come alive. . .

It's early. I usually don't complain about it being early. But it's quiet. The quiet that bites you inside. The quiet that scares you. Now there's background music, my laptop blaring out a playlist on shuffle.

Silence has its place. But with the silence comes the thinking. You may not have noticed that if you are really concentrating on reading this everything was silent, especially if you were listening to music. Are you suprised that you're on a new song already?
The brain is a wonderful thing! You don't read letter by letter you read the word whole. Suprised? Well how else could you understand tihs but what about taht or why words like; euaql, smoetnig? Each word takes 150 nanoseconds to be identified and voilá you are reading.

Silence is a thing I nor love nor hate. It's just there. It frightens me, but it can be a good thing. Maybe I need to take a break and take in the silence.

We all have our social lifes, personal one as well but inside we have our private life.

There are some people in the world that's to outspoken. For me, it depends on the subject. When it comes to music and I know what I'm talking about I will fight to the death, that includes: books, comics, a tv series, cricket and a bit of rugby. Food might get in there as well, but politics? I'm not a fence-sitter but I'll think twice, maybe visib before I get involved. - I wanted to comment on the Le Crush 'it', but I think @rudi_cronje has enough opinions.

Thank goodness that is out of the way.

Now. I had a friend called Smiley, Smiley was the sort of guy that made you smile, but one thing was he got me hooked onto rad music. Through him I got to listen to bands like - Less Than Jake, The Used, AFI etc. But there's one that really stood out, Taking Back Sunday. It's been a while since I've listened, but this whole morning they were the band on repeat! Some of you might've heard the song Error:Operator on the movie Fantastic 4. Now I'm going to be a bit like Smiley and just give you a push, just go listen to a track and you judge for yourself. Now why can't we all just introduce a new band to a friend, show them what the world has to deliver!

As you all can see I'm a newbi blogger. I'll probably suck at this for the next 15 posts :P. So, the last paragraph or so will be about me and when I tire of me (which will be soon, it'll be about someone else, with permission of course!) [@Mpum_mpum you're next seeing that you write fanfic! :P]

None of you know that I love rain. As a kid I used to ask when it's going to rain again. It was one of those weeks where it didn't stop raining in Centurion for quite a while, I found peace in the rain, just by looking out of the window. I still do. I'm more productive, feel better and actually feel 'whole'. I don't get gloomy or depressed on days as such. I embrace it. Now I wish I could do it on 'normal' days as well.

A history of me, way to short in the middle and. . .

Not all of you know I'm just known as Gillian to family etc. Friends and ok relatives call me Jellybean. I wasn't originally a Durbanite, I was a rrreal pretorriaaaanerr you know? I grew up poor, but I was happy. I was young innocent and maybe a bit weird. I met awesome people with my dad when he worked at the then PTA Tech. Great memories. I grew up as your typical nerd, I lived in the library in gr.3, I had friends way to old, 1 to crude and 1 way to weird.

Having things like computers and cells in the house, I was more technologically advanced than my peers and today still 'new' technology is not hard to learn at all. I had my first phone by age 8 as well.

Growing up in primary school was tough and I had one bro then. He's still my lil bro. My parents are divorced, I was 6, it was hard and made a huge impact.

Highschool was another ordeal. By then I'd moved to KZN 2 years prior. I was the weird kid but everyone accepted me like that. Seeing that I went to Gelofte :P. I know, I know. But being in this group was fantastic (and most of those people I know from there will go far - Respect). I was your typical loner with friends. And per usual I ran the library even with a librarian present.

One thing I wasn't the same poor kid anymore. Life changed, I moved in with my aunt and uncle, I became a normal middle middle class kid. My dad moved into a flat not far but my mother still lives in Centurion.

8th grade was funny, I had my own hall announcer, he found out about a guy I liked and if Martin was ignored by be he'd chime out 'Skinny-lover'. My long term insomnia got the worst of me that year as well.

Ok, this part is not easy, still hate it. But my life coach (ugh, he flirted etc with me and it became uncomfortable for me). I was a morbid, suicidal, depressed and selfish girl back then. This could easily come back, including the cutting. But 1 addiction has to be replaced by another. That's why I don't smoke and rarely drink.

By now I got extra family. A step-mom that I love like a real mother and 3 extra brothers! One has CP and is very young in mental age.

We moved to the bush and I didn't dig it. But I'm glad I got to do it. I was suppose to finish matric last year (2009) but my parents decided to do home schooling which means and extra year for me. It was a bad choice. Isolation is not my things.

I do feel old for my age. I like the last years of my life to be vague. I lead a boring life but they were boring & very hard years. I might be 'smart', I'm just young & don't always have your life experiences. Like, I've never dated, don't expect to.

Now I live on my music, art & books [writing stuff as well]. I may not just go out but I'm content. I have what I off. It might be frustrating, but life sometimes gives you the bigger picture.

Just like now. No one understands like me how to be thankful. I won't know if anyone has ever felt how it feels to 'lose' a talent. How not to be bake to draw anymore and how it just seems to drown you. You feel worthless & all purpose is lost. Picking up a pen/pencil/brush brings me to tears. I want to break down walls and wish it's not happening. It'l like you're slowly being tortured. So I'll get lost in the music and words. I'll fake a small part of myself. Keep my secrets and move on.